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Issue Seven / Profiles
“Ketchup is not an appropriate topping and should be relegated to children’s food”

Dietary Confessions

Words by Jason Hudson Photographs by Lasse Flode

Do you have eating habits so strange that they’d be considered crimes against food? These five do. Now they must face judgment and hear their sentences.

Secret Eating
Charge The defendant is charged with hiding away in a car and/or home to eat in secret.
Notes from the judge Any act that implies shame will be treated as such. Food is to be enjoyed, not consumed secretly in the shadows.
Sentence The defendant must eat all meals in the brightest light of day, in public, between 11 a.m. and 3 p.m., in the company of other people.

Eating in Bed
Charge The defendant is charged with eating crackers in bed.
Notes from the judge The bedroom is designed exclusively for two purposes: Sleeping and reading poetry to your lover.
Sentence The defendant is charged with six months of community service, cleaning the homes of known bed-eaters. The defendant will also be added to the Bed-Eaters Registry, a publicly searchable database of these offenders used primarily by dating websites, to avoid undesirable mismatches.

Grazing
Charge The defendant is charged with eating over the sink in small portions throughout the day.
Notes from the judge Eating while standing is rigorously ill advised. One must always sit, so proper and thorough digestion can occur. And snacks are for children and the weak-willed.
Sentence The defendant must eat three square meals each day, with no nibbling in between.

Crust-phobic
Charge The defendant is charged with flagrant crust removal of the highest degree.
Notes from the judge Some of the most nutritious aspects of the whole grain can be found in the crusts. They are rich in antioxidants and fiber!
Sentence The defendant is ordered to undergo a strict course of remediation, wherein ONLY the crusts, heels and stale remains of day-old bread are to be eaten. The defendant will not, for a period of 18 months, be permitted to eat any of the soft, luxurious innards of a loaf.

Ketchup-obsessed
Charge The defendant is charged with slathering every meal with ketchup.
Notes from the judge Ketchup is not an appropriate topping and should be relegated to children’s food. Its sugary consistency is sure to ruin many food items. In rare instances of suitability, ketchup is to be spooned or poured onto the plate, never directly onto food.
Sentence The defendant is ordered to refrain from ketchup use. However, if the defendant must indulge, the ketchup must be homemade.

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