Conflict is a part of most romantic relationships—and in a certain sense, if there are no arguments there may not be enough at stake. Yet certain types of chronic arguing can be a sign of abuse or dysfunction. Some psychologists point to a qualitative difference between conflict driven by disagreement and that driven by contempt. Psychologist John Gottman popularized this distinction with his suggestion that contempt is the greatest single predictor of a failed marriage, and is “poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust.”

So how do we learn to fight in a constructive way? We can strive to remember that regardless of an argument’s apparent subject, there are often undercurrents in which both parties are trying to defend essential parts of themselves. Dr. Gottman describes these undercurrents in his book Principia Amoris.

“They can’t reach a compromise or even an emotional understanding of one another’s position because they’re not really just talking about finances (for example). They are talking about really important philosophical concepts like freedom or power or love, or what it means to be who they are, their family or cultural legacy. They are really arguing about their belief systems and why it truly matters. That’s why people can’t yield easily, unless that is understood and honored.”

Which is to say that our partners are sometimes fighting to preserve those aspects of themselves that attracted us to them in the first place. It’s hard to remember this in the heat of the moment: Our desire for comeuppance often leads us to go on fighting even after concessions have been made. But good partners learn to seize on those small instances when concern, humor, even affection for the other person revive. Cultivate an appreciation for these moments and they may come more often.