Why do we make friends?

In part, it’s because friendship is rewarding, and in part, because friendship has very beneficial effects: The single best predictor of our mental health and well-being—and our physical health and well-being—is the number and quality of close friendships we have.
Robin Dunbar, professor of evolutionary psychology in the department of experimental psychology at the University of Oxford

To quote Aristotle, we’re social animals, though he meant it not in a behavioral sense but in a soulful one: We humans find ourselves in others, which is why in the ancient world there was a fate worse than death—being exiled—and also why the origin of the word “idiot” is the Greek for a person who thinks they could go it alone. 
Mark Vernon, psychotherapist and author of The Meaning of Friendship

It’s a well-known truism that it’s more difficult to make friends as an adult. Why is that the case?

For most adults, it becomes hard to make and find friends when we move away from what I call “anchor institutions,” those places such as schools or community centers that have established social circles. The demands of adulthood, whether it is employment, finding a romantic other or starting a family can also take the focus away from social activities and reallocate that energy to the family.

Additionally, in our post-pandemic, work-from-home reality, people have to be far more intentional about ensuring that they have these micro-connections. The reduction in these opportunities can also contribute to social anxiety and the fear of being rejected. The key to finding true friendship is one’s ability to be vulnerable, but with fewer opportunities to form connections, it can be hard to trust new people and allow them to get to know the most authentic you.
Hope Kelaher, clinical social worker and author of Here to Make Friends: How to Make Friends as an Adult

What counts as a “bad friend”?

Even the best friendships can disappoint us sometimes—no one is perfect—but it’s important to remember that all relationships require give and take. Address minor conflicts and disappointments before they escalate. However, if a friendship consistently feels one-sided and unfulfilling, it may be time to move on. The other person isn’t necessarily a bad friend, but the friendship itself may not be beneficial for you.
Irene S. Levine, psychologist and producer of The Friendship Blog 

I believe the cornerstones of friendship are reciprocity, emotional intimacy, interdependence and conflict resolution. When friends have strong conflict resolution skills it is often the case that any rupture can be ameliorated; however, there are some key indicators of an unhealthy relationship that may not be worth staying in, such as often breaking promises, trust issues, or the relationship feeling one-sided or too competitive.

It is important to explore the ways you show up to the same relationship before deciding to end it, however. Evaluate if you are meeting the same expectations you have for your friend. If you aren’t holding yourself up to the same standard, you may want to see how your own behavior changes impact the relational dynamic before ending the friendship.
Hope Kelaher

So many friendships are long-distance or remote in today’s world. How important is having real-world face time—not just FaceTime—with friends?

If your friends live close by, you should absolutely prioritize seeing them in person, but there is very good evidence that a phone call or video chat can be as nourishing to a friendship and sense of connection as face-to-face communication. 

Friendship has always been able to withstand geographic distance—there are historical records of political or literary friendships that were maintained through letters with years between face-to-face meetings. In theory, we can maintain long-distance friendships more easily now than in the past, but it hasn’t actually meant that we have more of them. People are typically not very good at putting in the work for friendships that are not nearby, even if they wish for more closeness. Technology affords us easy access to others, but not the routine of keeping in touch that sustains and grows a friendship.
Jeffrey A. Hall, professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas and director of the Relationships and Technology Lab

What pushes someone over the border from acquaintance to friend, and from friend to best friend?

My study on the number of hours it takes to make a friend suggests that to get from acquaintance to casual friendship takes between 40 and 60 hours. To get to the stage of “friends” from casual friendship, it takes an additional 40 hours or so. It also requires a feeling that you really know the other person—usually more self-disclosure and time spent outside the context where you met are necessary as well, e.g. outside of work.

Finally, we reserve the designation of close friends or best friends for people with whom we have established trust, intimacy, commitment and a great deal of mutual liking. This designation can be quite restrictive—some people have only one close friend—or it can be expansive. Whatever the case, we have very high expectations of our close friends, and we accept that they can expect more of us too. It is in the definition of friendship to be there for the other person “through thick and thin,” and it usually takes an additional 100 hours spent together.
Jeffrey A. Hall

What is the optimal number of friends, and how can you maintain that?

Five close friends, plus another 10 good friends. These are the ones that are really important for us. The total number of relationships—friends plus family—we can manage at any one time is about 150. And friends are very costly, both to create and to maintain. We devote 40% of our total available social time to our five closest friends, and another 20% to the 10 that make up the next friendship layer. Drop below these investments and the quality of the friendship will start to decay.
Robin Dunbar

Many women form tight, emotionally intense friendships with one or two other women, and many men tend to build larger, looser friend groups, but here’s what we can say with some certainty: It’s one or more. Even for people in romantic relationships, friends can provide unique benefits to health, happiness, longevity and thriving. I’d argue that you can be married and lonely, but you can’t have a true friend and be lonely.
Jaimie Krems, associate professor of psychology at UCLA 

What is your opinion on AI friendships? 

I have some strong reservations. The existential value of friendship is to know we are valuable to another person; that we make a difference in their life. I do not think we want to design AI “friends” to be programmed in this way—it would open up the possibility that the most vulnerable among us could be exploited by their AI companions, and it could redirect our limited emotional resources to meaningless communication caring for an AI bot, rather than toward people who would actually benefit from that care and concern. 
Jeffrey A. Hall

It’s so easy to simply lose touch with someone—often for no good reason. When is it worth reaching back out, and what’s the best way to do so?

Friendships have a natural flow to them. You may lose a deep connection with your college friend over a long period of time but find valid reasons to connect later on as you both get married, get divorced, get a promotion. I always think it is important to keep your old friends within arm’s reach because friendships are ever-evolving and changing, and we all benefit from a broad social network. 

I advise people to freely reach out to friends, even when they are distant to let them know that they are thinking of them. While this may not guarantee a reciprocal response in the immediate, it may open doors. To that end, I like the practice of texting a long-lost friend on their birthday or the anniversary of another significant event or sending them an old photo when it appears on your phone or social media. I am always surprised by how often these simple actions can result in a deeper connection moving forward.
Hope Kelaher